I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
