i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
