I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
