I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
