Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
