I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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