ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
