So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
