im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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