just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
