We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
