Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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