I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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