I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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