You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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