So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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