Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
