Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
