just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
