I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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