Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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