LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
