I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
