You smell like a Billy Joel song
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I did not marry a roomba.
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