Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
