I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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