not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Randomize
