so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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