I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
