He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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