a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize