I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
