peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
