tequila makes me forget i have legs
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
