It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
