I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
