I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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