i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
