just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
