I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
