First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
