My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
