Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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