Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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