oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
