not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he fucked my hip out of place.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
