I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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