you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
