I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
