I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
