I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
