Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
