I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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