Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
