dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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