i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
