When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
