census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
