i love accidental penises.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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